I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
