a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
