if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
