i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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