I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
bring money and cleavage
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
