Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
