So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
