Please, let me fuck your mom
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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