U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i love accidental penises.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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