I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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