i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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