"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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