tell your sister to shave her snatch
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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