Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
