I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just high enough for therapy.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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