this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
