You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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