If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
