ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
