My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
