im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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