When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
