I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
