it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
