allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i need an iv and a liver transplant
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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