She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
