I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
