I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
