the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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