She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
