i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
