Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
