whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
