it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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