he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
