we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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