becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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