The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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