Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You have to summon your inner elephant
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
