My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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