I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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