Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
