i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
