my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
