i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
