i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
