i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
