I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
