When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
