i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Is Oprah even human
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
